The Pope's Handbook

I. The Office and Its Powers

The Principia Discordia is unambiguous on exactly one point: every man, woman, and child on this Earth is a genuine and authorized Pope. You were not appointed. You were not elected. There was no conclave, no smoke, no waiting. You simply are one, and have been since before you heard about it. This site issues the paperwork; the papacy itself predates the paperwork, the site, and arguably you.

In Discordianism, the title of Pope is not an honor bestowed upon the few, but a birthright of every human being — and this is the core teaching hiding inside the joke: no one has spiritual authority over anyone else. There is no hierarchy to climb because everyone is already standing on the top step, which turns out to be the ground.

The Principia Discordia gives us the title of Pope. Not Pope of anything — just Pope. And a Pope can do anything a Pope can do.

Papal Powers

As a genuine and authorized Pope, you have the power to:

• Excommunicate anyone you want — including yourself. (See the apparatus.)
• De-excommunicate anyone — including yourself. (Same apparatus, other lever.)
• Ordain new Popes — that is, remind them they already are one. (The ordination office handles the paperwork.)
• Issue papal bulls, decrees, and encyclicals. (The Decree Apparatus stands ready.)
• Grant indulgences, to yourself and others.
• Invoke infallibility on any pronouncement — and be wrong anyway.
• Bless or curse anything you please.

The traditional Pope Card adds a right the Bureau considers load-bearing: to perform all rites and functions deemed inappropriate for a Discordian Pope — along with the rights to completely rework the Erisian church and to baptize, bury, and marry, with the permission of the deceased in the latter two cases.

Note that because everyone holds these powers, every act of papal authority can be immediately overruled by any other Pope, including the Pope it was performed upon. This is not a flaw in the system. This is the system.

Papal Responsibilities

The office technically imposes no duties. Custom, however, recognizes these responsibilities:

• Treating all other Popes with the respect due to someone of equal spiritual rank — which is everyone.
• Not taking yourself too seriously.
• Remembering that you could be wrong about everything.
• Enjoying the absurdity of existence.
• Being kind to yourself and others. (This one is actually important.)

II. Your Papers

A Pope needs no documentation, which is precisely why the Bureau issues so much of it. All instruments below are generated in your browser, sealed, dated in both reckonings, and witnessed by offices that do not exist:

• The Bull of Ordination — the founding document. Your name, your papacy, a PDF. Start here if you somehow haven't.
• The Decree Apparatus — issue official Papal Decrees on any subject, with WHEREAS clauses of certified absurdity.
• The Canonization Office — elevate anyone (or anything) to Discordian Sainthood, in the correct class.
• The Excommunication Apparatus — cast people out of the church, or back into it. Both are binding. Neither is permanent.
• The traditional Pope Card — wallet-sized, from the hub at discordianism.org. Reproduce and distribute freely.

III. The Pentabarf

The Five Commandments of Discordianism, as recorded in the Principia Discordia. They are the closest thing the religion has to law, and the fifth one dissolves the other four on contact:

1. There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
2. A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.
3. A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).
4. A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.
5. A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.

Apply Commandment V to this handbook liberally, and to Commandment V itself at your discretion.

The New Pentabarf (YOLD 3192 Revision)

The book Discordianism Decompiled proposes an updated Pentabarf for the present age. Per the doctrine of the office, both sets are simultaneously in force, neither supersedes the other, and you are prohibited from believing either:

1. There Is No Goddess But Goddess, And She Is Your Goddess (But Also Mine). Eris is simultaneously personal to each individual and collectively shared among all practitioners. Your chaos is valid, and so is everyone else's.
2. A Discordian Shall Not Believe What They Read Online (Including This). Skepticism toward all information, while acknowledging the impossibility of verifying everything. Question everything — even this commandment.
3. A Discordian Is Required To Explain Discordianism To Exactly Nobody Who Doesn't Ask. Avoid proselytizing unless specifically questioned, and then explain confusingly. Let chaos find its own disciples.
4. All Sacred Cows Make Excellent Burgers. Critical examination of widely-accepted beliefs and systems — particularly hustle culture and wellness capitalism. Nothing is too sacred to question.
5. A Discordian Must Touch Grass Occasionally (Literally And Metaphorically). Log off, maintain physical presence, care for your body, and engage with the natural world. Chaos exists offline too.

Note that New Commandment II applies to the New Pentabarf itself, which is therefore the first fully self-certifying scripture: it arrives pre-doubted for your convenience.

IV. Sainthood & Canonization

As a Pope you may canonize anyone or anything a Discordian Saint. Before you begin flinging halos, know the taxonomy: there are five classes of saints, per the Law of Fives.

Saint Second Class is the only category open to actual living human beings. The four higher classes are reserved for the dead and the fictional, who — being unencumbered by existence — are far better at meeting the standards of sainthood. Real people are simply not eligible for perfection. This is considered fair.

Canonization procedure

1. Select a candidate. Persons, pets, sandwiches, fictional characters, and abstract concepts are all eligible.
2. Determine the correct class (the Canonization Office enforces eligibility, gently).
3. Declare it. Your infallibility does the rest.

The patron of this entire enterprise is St. Gulik the Cockroach, current Messenger of the Goddess, who is proof that the honor goes where it pleases.

V. Excommunication & Reconciliation

Any Pope may excommunicate any person from the Discordian Society — including other Popes, strangers, celebrities, and themself. The excommunicated party, being also a Pope, may immediately reverse it. This produces a stable theological economy in which membership status fluctuates freely and nobody is ever meaningfully expelled, which suits Eris fine.

• Excommunication is binding, official, and reversible.
• Reconciliation (re-communication) is equally binding, equally official, and equally reversible.
• Self-excommunication is traditional on days ending in "y" and is widely considered a form of self-care.

The Excommunication Apparatus issues both instruments, sealed and dated.

VI. How to Found a Cabal

A cabal is the basic organizational unit of Discordianism, in the sense that Discordianism has no organization and no units. Per the Principia, every Episkopos and their cabal is completely autonomous: there is no headquarters to petition, no dues to pay, no charter to countersign. If you want to start a cabal, you start one. Here is the entire procedure, which contains more steps than are strictly necessary (zero are strictly necessary):

1. Confirm your qualifications. You are a Pope. Done. (If in doubt, re-issue your Bull.)
2. Name your cabal. Tradition favors the grandiose, the bureaucratic, or both: The Paratheo-Anametamystikhood of Eris Esoteric (POEE), The Legion of Dynamic Discord, The Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria. Yours might be The Midnight Waffle Synod or The Committee for the Investigation of the Committee. The name may exceed the membership in both length and dignity.
3. Appoint yourself Episkopos. An Episkopos is a High Priest or Priestess of their own sect — the person who speaks with Eris via their own pineal gland. Prefer a different title? Invent one. You have the authority; see Section I, power 2.
4. Recruit between zero and five members. A cabal of one is a legitimate cabal. Five is traditional, per the Law of Fives. More than five and you must either schism or start counting in fives.
5. Write your own doctrine. Every cabal is expected to develop its own rituals, holy days, sacred snacks, and catmas (like dogmas, but optional and non-binding). Disagreeing loudly with the Principia Discordia is not only permitted but arguably required by Commandment V.
6. Set a meeting schedule you will not keep. "Every Setting Orange" is popular, partly because nobody is sure when that is. (It is today, one day in five — see Section VII.)
7. Issue a Founding Decree. The Decree Apparatus will seal and date it. A cabal without paperwork is merely a group of friends, which is also acceptable.
8. Plan your first schism. Healthy cabals split. The two resulting cabals may then feud, merge, or both. This is the primary growth mechanism of the religion and should be scheduled early, like a fire drill.

That is the whole thing. Your cabal is now exactly as real as any other Discordian institution. If you enjoy registering things, the Temple keeps a registry and awards Chaos Points — but a cabal founded in your kitchen with no witnesses is equally canonical, and the Bureau will defend its legitimacy to the death of whoever asks.

VII. The Discordian Calendar

The Erisian year contains five seasons of 73 days each: Chaos, Discord, Confusion, Bureaucracy, and The Aftermath. The week contains five days: Sweetmorn, Boomtime, Pungenday, Prickle-Prickle, and Setting Orange. Years are counted in YOLD — the Year of Our Lady of Discord — which runs 1166 years ahead of the Gregorian calendar, because Eris got started early.

In leap years, St. Tib's Day is inserted between Chaos 59 and Chaos 60. It belongs to no season, no week, and no reasonable schedule; things done on St. Tib's Day are generally held not to have happened.

Holy days, ten per year, five and five

• Apostle Holydays (day 5 of each season): Mungday, Mojoday, Syaday, Zaraday, Maladay.
• Season Holydays (day 50 of each season): Chaoflux, Discoflux, Confuflux, Bureflux, Afflux.

For observances, festivals, and a subscribable feed of the entire liturgical year, consult the network's calendar authority at discordian.party.

VIII. A Glossary for the Newly Infallible

Eris

The Greco-Discordian Goddess of Chaos, Discord, and Confusion. Also answers to Discordia. Started the Trojan War with one well-labeled apple; has been escalating since.

Kallisti / The Golden Apple

"To the fairest." The inscription on the apple Eris rolled into a wedding party she wasn't invited to. The founding act of applied chaos, and the seal of this office.

The Sacred Chao

The central symbol of Discordianism: a yin-yang-like figure holding the Golden Apple (chaos) opposite the Pentagon (order). Pronounced "cow." It represents everything, which is why it looks like that.

Hodge & Podge

The two great cosmic forces whose eternal imbalance drives everything. Order and disorder, respectively — each of which, pushed far enough, becomes the other.

The Aneristic & Eristic Illusions

The mistaken beliefs that order (aneristic) or disorder (eristic) is more fundamental than the other. Both are properties of the grid you're viewing chaos through, not of chaos itself. This is the actual philosophical payload of the religion; we hide it in a glossary.

POEE

The Paratheo-Anametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric ("pronounced POEE"), the founding sect of Malaclypse the Younger. A non-prophet irreligious disorganization.

Episkopos

The self-appointed head of a Discordian cabal or sect. Speaks with Eris through their own pineal gland. See Section VI to become one before dinner.

The Pentabarf

The Five Commandments. See Section III. Believing them is prohibited by the fifth of them.

Catma

The Discordian alternative to dogma. Dogmas are mandatory beliefs; catmas are relatively meta-beliefs you may adopt, discard, or pet.

Greyface & His Curse

The humorless prophet of order who, in 1166 BC, taught that life is serious and play is sin. The Curse of Greyface is the psychological and political fallout of believing him. The antidote is the papacy you now hold.

The Law of Fives

All things happen in fives, or are divisible by or multiples of five, or are somehow directly or indirectly appropriate to 5. The Law of Fives is never wrong. It is, however, only as true as you work to make it — which is the point being smuggled in.

Operation Mindfuck

The grand Discordian project of liberating minds through absurdist action, elaborate pranks, and strategic confusion. All Popes are conscripted; conscription notices were never sent, in keeping with the operation.

Fnord

You can't see the fnords. This glossary entry is included for completeness, and is the only one we recommend not researching further before bed.

St. Gulik

The Messenger of Our Lady — currently incarnated as a cockroach. If an insect walks across this page while you read, greet him respectfully.

IX. Required Reading (Belief Prohibited)

• Principia Discordia, by Malaclypse the Younger & Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst — the founding document, gleefully in the public domain since before that was fashionable. Contains everything this handbook paraphrases and several things it was afraid to.
• Discordianism Decompiled — the network's own book: the whole tradition taken apart, documented, and reassembled with parts left over, in ten books at discordianism.org/books.
• The Illuminatus! Trilogy, by Robert Shea & Robert Anton Wilson — the novel that carried Discordianism out of the mimeograph era and into everything else.

Per Commandment V, you are prohibited from believing any of them, which is the recommended way to read everything.

X. Frequently Contested Questions

Is my papacy real?

It is exactly as real as any other papacy, which is the point.

Do I need this handbook?

No. A Pope needs nothing. That is what makes the accessories fun.

Can my papacy be revoked?

Only if you take something seriously, and even then another Pope can reinstate you, and you are another Pope.

I excommunicated myself and now I feel weird.

That is not a question, Your Holiness. Re-communicate yourself and drink some water.

Who is in charge here?

You are. So is everyone else. Complaints may be addressed to yourself, in your capacity as Pope, and resolved by decree.